You need to get up and fix your goddamn crown.
To whoever is suffering like I am. It’s not ok to stop your life for someone who showed you a glimpse of what your life ‘could have been’.
I’m literally the last person who should be saying anything but I don’t know where else to turn to.
Being anonymous on this platform helps.
I’m so frustrated with everyone around me but the thing is I’m blindsided by this human being. I don’t want to hear or see anything beyond him and the craziest thing is because I don’t even know him properly.
I know him on the surface but what lies inside his soul is a mystery.
The problem with me is that, ok let’s not address this as a ‘problem’. We should use kind words for ourselves. I’ve let guys take over my life in the past and been blind sided by them and ignored all the signs that told me to walk away. I defied everyone’s advice and stuck to what the person had put inside my head.
Maybe things are different this time, I can’t tell. These rumours are mainly just rumours. HE IS STRAIGHT and I believe him. I am fully going against this hellish society to believe that but I do.
We clicked in the first meeting and I don’t click with anybody easily. My past relationships were full of awkward firsts and having different interests and not being compatible signs. Here everything fell into place but the sucky part is that his reputation as a human being in society is labeled as gay but there’s no proof for that. People are just saying these things. I don’t want proof, I want him to be a part of my life.
I have absolutely nothing against the LGBTQ+ community, I applaud their bravery for dealing with the hate that they get but WHY did this have to fall upon me. I get it, there’s probably a lesson to be learnt here and I’m sure I’ll learn it.
Maybe the lesson here is to walk away from the toxicity of the situation because somehow I always end up in such situations. But the crazy thing is, he’s not a toxic human being. He’s actually the complete opposite. He’s bright and he’s full of positive energy and he’s just everything and I don’t want to look beyond him.
I don’t want to hear anything negative about him. I’m mostly pissed off at my therapist, she’s trying to be neutral but she’s just coming off as taking my side and while that’s all well and good. I don’t need that. I need her to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Yes, if I were in her shoes I’d probably be against him too after listening to all the shit that people are saying but unfortunately I am beyond that because I’ve met him, I know him and I adore him.
Maybe I need to take a break from her, maybe I should.
I get that everyone is trying to look out for me and tell me to get my life straightened up but screw all of you. It may be history repeating itself but I want to find my way ON MY OWN. I don’t need anyone telling me to find something to occupy me or whatnot. Yes, I may be going a bit crazy in the head but that’s part of this fucking process, no? To drive yourself crazy and then find your way back ON YOUR OWN.
I am suffering because I’m letting this man control my day to day life. Is he even worth it?
We decided to be friends and I need to make myself put him in THAT position. Not put him on the pedestal that I have right now because he doesn’t deserve that at this point.
Let’s come to you now.
You need to hear some things to get out of whatever hell is going on in your head.
You are a fucking queen and your crown may have slipped off a little bit. It has not fallen on the ground because you have not fallen. Get up and BE YOURSELF.
Work on YOU. That’s what you need right now.
Be enough for YOU and stop checking your phone every 5 minutes hoping for a text from him. Let him put some input into this so-called ‘friendship’ that you’re trying to build.
Right now you’re struggling because you want to know him, not to save him because he is settled and centred but he needs to give you something, why? Because you deserve more than to just sit on the sidelines to give him all that you have. Put in 4 out of 10 effort, don’t give him a 6 and above. He’s not there yet.
I feel like I know him or I want to know him.
Babe, you’re only feeling like that because you don’t have another outlet. GIVE YOURSELF ANOTHER OUTLET.
You are the queen and you hold the cards, not him.