Why do I miss that feeling?

The answer to that is unknown.

2 min readMay 27, 2020

I think this quarantine is just getting to me yet again. The other day, these thoughts were flooding my mind, the thought that I miss being in an abusive relationship. Emotionally abusive, thank God it never went beyond that. It’s so wrong to have such feelings for yourself.

Each and every single one of us want a loving partnership but for those of you who have heard only negative things most their lives from an outside party, it’s difficult to imagine a life where you would be loved, valued and cherished. I haven’t gotten to that point yet, I haven’t found my forever person and even if I do, I wonder how I’ll adjust to kind words and actions rather than harsh and undermining words.

I’ve been surrounded by a very strong support system full of kindness and love in my family so it’s really difficult for me to understand why I chose to be around people who have given me nothing but negative reinforcements.

My friend jokingly said that I might be a masochist, could it be true? Also, is that a bad thing?

YES IT’S A HORRIBLE THING, wanting bad treatment for the rest of your years.

Given my past encounters, I have set a very low standard for what I want my forever person to be like. I feel like the first act of kindness he’ll show me will have me smitten.

Why have I conditioned myself into wanting bad treatment. I deserve the world and more but it’s somehow become a force of habit.

Why would I be missing something that was so terrible?

I’m not used to being treated well, I don’t know how I’ll accept whatever is headed my way.

How can I want something so beautiful turned into something that will break me apart inside out.

I usually always have the answers, that’s why I’m known as the Love Guru but when it comes to me, I’m like a chaotic painting, only seeing the negative blinded by the positivity that’s right in front of me, it’s just my interpretation that’s off balance.




Sometimes I’ll start a sentence, and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way — Micheal Scott