Some friendships ruin your life.
I’ve always had trouble fitting in with people.
Back in high school I was mostly friends with my sister’s friends.
Everyone was a bully or maybe there was just something wrong with me.
I don’t have a head strong personality where I can fight and talk back to people, I’m more of a lowkey person who just quietly takes the bs. I wasn’t that great of a person either, I had a toxic trait though where I couldn’t keep a secret. Looking back, I hate that about myself.
I would have had a solid friend group if I just knew how to keep my mouth shut.
If it wasn’t my sister’s friends, it was my mom’s friends who I would hang out with, omg that sounds so sad. I actually enjoyed their company, so it wasn’t all that bad.
It would have been awesome if I had friends my own age but it was my poor judgement and choice in people that brought me to this point.
You see, I was friends with the class bully in school. She was a walking talking parade of red flags with gigantic signs with trigger warnings and instead of steering clear of her, I enslaved myself to her. She treated me horribly but solidarity and unity matter, no? I wasn’t by her side tormenting other people, I was tormented.
She used everyone, made fun of them, humiliated them till they came to tears. I was always in tears. I clearly have a thing for surrounding myself with toxic people and the people who were ‘normal’ in my life have all left.
The guys either caught feelings which were not reciprocated and the girls steered clear because of my toxic traits and my choice of friends.
I’m not reliving the past or anything like that, I just wish I had people that stayed.
As you grow older your friend circle narrows down and you only have a handful of people left in your life. Myra’s one of them. I’ve been wanting to meet her for a few weeks now and it’s up to the point where it almost seems like I’m begging her which is a very uneasy feeling.
I don’t want to beg or chase for a friend’s attention. It’s not even about the attention to be honest, it’s more of the fact that I will be there for you endlessly and the bare minimum expectation is for you to reciprocate that.
I was giving myself a pep talk yesterday that everyone has their own thing going on in life and that I shouldn’t be expecting them to be there but the thing is she’s meeting everyone else, chilling with other people and I know I shouldn’t be petty and say you’re meeting everyone else and not me but what about me. I wont be saying that to her, we’re not teenagers anymore. I get that she’s procrastinating meeting me, but WHY.
I already have a limited social circle and she’s one of the good ones.
Why do they not want to be around me? We’ve both had busy months but she’s out and about now so why am I not important.
This is not a pity party, I’m just shuffling through my feelings trying to get to the point where I don’t let such things upset me because I know I am loved, respected and cared for by the people I’m surrounded with but somehow end up wanting the thing that I don’t have.
That’s just the basic psychology of human beings, wanting something that we can’t have.
What we don’t realise is that the more we chase something, the further it gets away from us.