I was recently having a conversation with a friend about love and what it means to be in love. I don’t know what the word means, I don’t think I’ve ever been in it.
My first relationship was when I was 15 and I loved that boy like anything. He’s married now, happily (I hope).
I look back at it now and thank God, I dodged a bullet there. He never wanted to be my friend, just his girlfriend and when we broke up, he said he would ‘be there’ whenever I needed him but obviously he wasn’t and I hated him for it, but it’s not like he gave a shit. And I never understood why he didn’t want to be friends.
I mean, I’m a great person to be around. I’ll listen to you when you need someone to hear you out. We don’t need to converse, I’ll just sit with you silently and listen while you vent out your horror stories about the boy who broke your heart and moved on in the blink of an eye. Well guess what honey, he didn’t move on. He was just a coward who was too blind to see what was right in front of him, which is a beautiful girl, with a great personality and a heart that would have loved him so deeply, he would think that he’s in a trance like state because it would have been too unreal to exist.
There was this girl I knew once, she had fallen in love one too many times, and I swear she loved each one with a whole heart and every time things went south, she broke down like it was the very first time her heart felt pain. I was in the background while this happened. I was around but not directly and thats ok. I was there when she needed me and I think that was enough for the both of us. I don't think we were obligated to each other in that way.
I was too involved in my love life, craving the attention of the tool of a man that I had been in love with for about 10 years. Yes, you heard that right, 10 fucking long years. But he was my everything. We shared all our embarrassing thoughts, our fantasies, the things we would do to each other, our worst fears but we never got together, somehow the timing was just never right for us. He didn’t have balls, still doesn’t.
He didn’t mean to but I think he wanted to belittle me so that he would feel superior to me. He couldn’t handle me. He didn’t deserve me.
I wanted to love him so deeply that it would hurt me too. The good kind of pain though, you know what I mean? Like when you love someone so intensely that it hurts your soul.
I wanted to be that for him. I felt that way towards him. Why did he have to be such a dick. Considering everything, I still decided not to give up and I don’t have any regrets with the decisions I made regarding him. He fulfilled me for the short period of time that we were together and I thank God that the relationship was short lived.
You know when you’ve longed for something for so long that when you get it, you just don’t want it anymore. That’s what it was for us.
He was going to be ‘the one that got away’ but fortunately I always get what I want.