So what if I cant carry a human in my body. It won’t make him love me less.

It wasn’t infertility that was the problem.

She was healthy enough to make a baby inside her which is what she always wanted. I mean, which girl doesn't, right? But she had a chronic disease which could harm her and the child permanantly.

When she first found out, it was something that made her uneasy but her loved ones around her reassured her that there are other ways of conception.

Adoption. Surrogacy.

Shirin didnt think of it much, it seemed irrelevant to her at times but then she would feel a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts of doubt flooded her mind. What if he doesn't want me in the same way after we have this discussion.

No, snap out of it.

You're blessed with SO much, why would this one thing make him turn away from you.

If he loves you, he should accept you as you are, right?

Shirin took a deep breath. Look at what all you're surrounded with silly girl. You can’t take this one thing and fret over it and cuss the universe for this being an inconvenience. It’s unfair, don’t you think?

When you've been given everything and more, you take this one small thing and victimise yourself.

No. Thats not how things work. If he loves you, won’t he take you the way that you are?

This is part of the package and you have so much to offer.

Infertility, PCOS among others are some things that we genuinely struggle with but shouldn't your other half take you as you are, instead of not accepting you for not being able to make a human inside of you.

I get that it’s difficult and I haven't been there myself yet. It takes a huge toll on you emotionally, but if he knew that pregnancy can handicap you for life, would he opt out of starting a life with you?

Could it be a deal breaker?

Doesn't your health come first though? It does, right?

Because you're the first and foremost caregiver of your husband to be and the child you're about to have. I’m not saying he would be incapable of taking care of a child but he would, no?

Thinking about it now, I don't think I would want to put my body through that. Like the process of it is beautiful but I think I’m going to rule the possibility of pregnancy fully.

I want him to love me, the kind of love that hurts. That I’ve written about previously. So what if I take off pregnancy from the table. The package that is me. Present myself as this is me, I opt out of wanting to carry humans inside of me. Take it or leave it.

That’s not what I wanted initially but thinking about it now, where I’m at now, I don’t think I want to put my body through that. I will stay fit, I will give you all of me and when the time comes, we can discuss adoption or even surrogacy.

Adoption, the whole idea of it scares the living fuck out of me but imagine, you’ll be giving an orphan a whole new life. It’s an insane concept. But it is what it is and its something great.

I see my aunt struggling everyday with her teenagers. It’s not easy sight to look at but it’s the harsh reality of what they've become. I’m not going to start on that topic, thats a whole other ballgame.

I think I’d feel weird about surrogacy. That would make me feel handicapped, unattached. Someone else would be carrying my children inside their body, they’ll go through the whole process, I’m just the bystander and I’m not the one experiencing it. Just thinking about it is shaking me to my core.

I also feel like that would make me feel insecure when it came to my marriage.

There’s literally no man in sight in my life right now but all of this is pouring out so naturally that I want to keep going — “thats what she saidddd” Love you Micheal Scott (The Office) Steve Carell is a gem, a hot, steamy, sexy gem of a man.

Is doing and feeling all of this selfish? Yes. It seems so. I slept on it and from the mans perspective, it is selfish. I agree. But again, doesn't my health come first? Am I not responsible for taking care of the children and the husband?

Would I blame the surrogate children for feeling insecure about my marriage. Yes I would. That also, in itself is maybe a horrible thing to be feeling but that’s just where I'm at and I feel like theres nothing wrong with it.

I’m overthinking. This needs to stop. I’m done for now.

Sometimes I’ll start a sentence, and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way — Micheal Scott