Identity crisis.

Who could this ‘Shane’ girl be. I had created this image of her in my mind forgetting that she’s an actual person who had a bit on the naughty side when I knew her. I always imagine her in red and black lingerie making duck faces trying to act all innocent in front of all the boys. I knew her back when I was in school but I don’t remember much about her except that she wanted to be an actress. We were acquaintances so I didn't know her much.

Another memory that I have of her is that when we were 15, she did role play with her then boyfriend and I was fascinated by it. That’s one thing that stands out in my mind about her, and at the time it was a big deal.

You were labelled as a slut if you were seen with more than 1 guy.

A few days ago, I came across her profile on Instagram, it was private. Guess what, she became an actress as she once wanted!

I don’t envy her. I have no reason to but seeing her stirred up some weird feelings inside me. She’s a stranger to me and had moved away when we were still in our teens so why did it cause uneasiness inside me.

I belong to a conservative family. We’re brown and I think that says it all. For us, wearing sleeveless and hanging out with boys was frowned upon and at the time maybe even forbidden.

My mother was very strict when we were younger but if she wasn't, I’m pretty sure I would have ended up an alcoholic with MAJOR problems which I would have regretted in the present. I didn’t have the best ‘friend role models’ when I was a teen and my sister was just on a different planet. I’ll probably get into that in another piece.

You know when you want something and you're not allowed to have it, you want it even more? Yeah, it was like that for me. I wished to be more open in the way that I dressed, the way I walked and talked. A bit on the naughty side, not in a bad way though, in a compelling way.

As I’m writing all of this, I pretty much love myself the way that I turned out to be honest.

This is how I felt today in the afternoon but now that I’ve had the day to think about it and continued writing, I do have my struggles where I wish I could have been seen in a different light. Where I could carry myself comfortably in more revealing clothes.

As I’ve written in the upper part of this story, my mindset has taken a 360 degree turn. I have days where I don’t feel content in the way that I am and wish that I could expose parts of my body to seem more attractive.

Theres always a thirst for it that I feel needs to be quenched.

Though that’s not how I want to portray myself but that’s where the struggle comes. Wearing revealing clothes and showing some skin isn’t that big of a deal, I know. It even makes me feel uneasy thinking of putting myself like that.

It's not how they like me, I know that as a fact.

If you know what I mean.

I’m torn between the 2. I’m very comfortable in the way that I am but I still wonder what it would be like to fall in the other category.

I mean no offence to the ones reading this. This isn’t about you.

Does this make me insecure? My curiosity remains.