Deception from a picture perfect man.

Facing your true self.

Let’s take a stroll down memory lane. That’s the last thing I would ever want to do but maybe we should take a step back and appreciate the progress we’ve made in life.

We’ve all grown from the painful experiences of life. That could have been a toxic relationship, bullyism or maybe even being deceived by someone who took your breath away and showed you a glimpse of the wonderful life you would have had.

He was textbook perfect *sigh*. He had the looks, the success and the drive to keep reaching for the stars.

I’m not in a place to be pointing out someone’s flaws, I’m majorly flawed and I think I’m carrying them confidently because it shows that there is always room for growth.

Growth is a painful process, it leads you to a path where you’d rather hide under a rock instead of facing your true self and bettering those parts of you that need work.

This deception from a picture perfect man led to me having extreme trust issues to a point where I just don’t want to speak to anyone. I have a friend or 2 that I can rely on and my mother who I adore endlessly.

Starting new friendships is already a difficult task as it is and then you throw in trust issues and covid lockdown to the mix. Tada — a recipe for disaster. Mind you, I’m trying to keep a positive mindset but that’s just not working in my favour.

I recently decided to interact with 2 of my followers on instagram who tried to communicate with me before but I just wasn’t feeling it. The thing is, I know they’ll end up leaving because people always do. Clearly abandonment issues are also a part of this yummy recipe that is my life.

If I tell my therapist, she’ll definitely advise me to continue this meaningless small talk with these 2 people but I don’t see the point in conversing with people who I know will leave. They all do.

I’m not being ungrateful. I’m just meh.

Many people have left. As they do when they run their course in your life, unless they choose to stay. That’s usually just one or 2 people who end up being your best friends.

Their feelings towards you have to be mutual for the relationship to keep going just like fuel to keep the engine running.

Our so called partnership ended before it even began. Fuck me for believing he wanted a friend in me. I’m so much more than someone who you’d only want to be in a relationship with but I guess he was too blind to see that.

The process of leaving him behind is so tedious but that’s just how growth works.

You continuously mourn the persons exit from your life, you stalk them endlessly and when you’re not stalking them you’re thinking about stalking them and you wonder if they do the same.

I’ve finally brought myself to saying his name instead of using the nickname that he has. I’m assuming that’s a step forward? Baby steps.

Deception from a potential forever partner changes you. Fighting your way to be better is what evolves you.

That’s what you grow from.

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daniathedreamer

Sometimes I’ll start a sentence, and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way — Micheal Scott